Words keep coming, thrown down where I can see them, piled in corners where I sweep, tucked into books I am reading, sought after in the search-that-I-can’t...abandon. “Abandon,” took me a minute, but it came, and I am grateful for knowing that it would. They always do!
I am so present right now. Further assaying the pinnacle mode, I feel the words “poetry,” and “grace,” float up as components. There is no modality other than poetry fitting enough to describe the cracking open that is healing. How else to hold a benefic focus on love, or self, or other, or God, god–gawd? And in this poetry, “grace.” Grace, another step into your best self; thoughtful, speaking with a presence–an availability to the other, compassion toward loosening hard knots threaded with assumptions from old spools now empty, with no blood lost. Yes, “assumptions,” is a word to consider, not as a part of healing, but as a cement median impeding it–a Jersey Wall, according to a pal of mine! Maintaining assumptions about another results in missed opportunities for deeper ties. If Ahab had rowed out and had a good talk with Moby Dick, that novel might have ended up as the first of “The Fast and Furious,” series (the Big and the Blubbery?), featuring the two pals robbing passing banker’s ships, and using the money to run a gratis retreat for worn sailors and whales. Instead, there were Ahab’s issues about his PAST! So, no heists. I’ve got my past tamed and dealt with; manageable now. Anyone who says that they are done with their past is selling something, or they are “taking with food.” That’s fine.
I’m tired of this thread-based metaphor. How about something with a bladesmith’s edge?
The pinnacle feeling, underlaid with reverence, transcendence, and I think it was the idea of its beauty that lead me to poetry; the pinnacle feeling is beautiful. Anything that’s painful has a beauty to it…I can’t bear this moment to decay into nothing. Does that ever happen to you? You don’t want the conversation to go away, to end because it’s so good, but the hour is up, or someone has a barbecue to attend; could I EVER be the goal?
“All time exists in this moment,”
which is a great comeback when you’ve been pulled over for a speeding ticket…I won’t worry about decay.
Be gracious and you can’t go wrong, which is like being mindful isn’t it? “I will hold the boat while you step in. I just need to set my sword in beside the gunnel.” In my best moments, I am all of this, or some, and am learning to hold it longer and longer, but to embody without effort? This graciousness and all of the words is a challenge in this world. I slip up, but being aware is the essential test, right? I am missing so-and-so, or I'm frustrated after a lousy session of whatever, or feeling fractured by loneliness, and I have the right to wallow......... but I’ve been catching myself–
"Hey there, you there rolled into a ball on the sofa! Stop that!"
All it is, is a decision. That’s it! Yes, it’s hard to decide to crank it up and out of that rut, but/and/but MY GOD IT WORKS. All at once, it’s NOT hard. All at once, there you are!
Should I quote a poem here, or do the explaining myself?
“Transformation.” Where did that drop from? Already we’re on to another word? Grace wasn’t the finale like we thought it might be? That’s alright. It’s good that this evolves and I’m glad that I don’t know the conclusion. If I did, I would be a god and would have all of those god-things to contend with like trees growing out of your ear, or an army rising up out of a ball of rubber bands in someone’s kitchen drawer. And those gods were always having sex...hmmm. Is this transformation based in alchemy, or plate tectonics, or what?
The thought of entering into another assumptive interaction makes me want to run and run and run towards the flames. Can I rise like a phoenix if I moisturize enough?
I think if you stop transforming, you die, and now I have this neato sword so, transforming. I’ll calm down here. It’s the contrast that I’m struggling with, but how great is that? There is potential where before there was sludge. We’re/I'm trying to be still right underneath the pinnacle, though we have come so far: reverence, transcendence, beauty, now poetry, grace, and transformation; solid players.
Take a deep breath. What’s next? Well only the most important piece of all of this:
Don't let yourself be snagged on outcome. I know this from experience–big, monstrous snag. I thought I had failed, until I examined further. Thank goodness I had bonkers helpful curiosity to figure this out. Non-attachment is the superpower; there is no longer drama sucking you in, no imagined agenda.
Wise people explained all of this to me over the past years. It wasn’t until the experience of the breakthrough with my mother that I managed to sense it on a cellular level. Experience is the game-changer.
I think I will end again with my Salinger quote: “Seymour once said that all we do our whole lives is go from one little piece of Holy Ground to the next.” I think he had something.